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Crossroad

Seventeen years ago, my life came to a crossroad. In my mind, I could either commit suicide or give God one more chance to change my life and bring it meaning. Prior to coming to this crossroad, I had struggled with my sexual identity as well as depression and anxiety.

My earliest recollections of being attracted to men is when I was six years old. I remember fantasizing about growing up to be a woman and marrying a man. Specific males came to my mind as I considered the kind of man I would marry. They were all muscular, handsome and confident.

Later in life, I learned that these same-sex attractions were manifestations from unresolved emotional and spiritual issues in my life. The decision I came to, at the crossroad, was that I would commit my life to Christ and follow Him. I had grown up in the Church but only at the age of twenty did I really understand that Christ died for my sins and that only through His sacrifice could I receive eternal life. In addition, I began to understand the sanctification process, whereby sins could dissipate and weaknesses could be transformed into strengths.

However, when it came to my sexuality, I had no idea how this was going to change. In fact, I didn't really think there was a possibility of changing my sexual desires. I made a commitment to celibacy, choosing to live with these same-sex desires the rest of my life. I was not connected with ministries helping individuals transition out of homosexuality, and going to counseling was a scary prospect. So I focused my energies on growing in my relationship with Christ. God had specific plans for me. He brought men into my life that loved me and modeled for me what it meant to be both godly and intimate, without any hint of homosexuality.

Through my close relationships with these men over a period of ten years, God brought up the unresolved issues in me that needed to be addressed. Although there was no ministry around at that time to aid me in my journey, God did the same work in my life through relationships, a process analogous to many ex-gay ministries today. The Body of Christ became the instrument for healing in my life. The result was a complete change in my sexual desires from homosexuality to heterosexuality. Today I am married and have two sons.

For the Church to make a decision to bless same-sex unions or ordain practicing homosexuals is to communicate to me, and individuals like me, that the transformation in my life did not happen and that I am obviously in an unhealthy state of denial. As I mentioned above, I did not even know that it would be possible to change my sexual orientation, but God transformed even this area of my life!

To allow for same-sex unions and ordination of practicing homosexuals in the Church is to prevent the opportunity for individuals to even consider that a change is possible. I was an outcast once because I had homosexual desires. If the church changes its standards, I would return to being an outcast in the Church again because my experience would be invalidated. We need to turn to the truth of Scripture and believe that "With God, all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26). Let us keep our hope in God alone and remain faithful to what He has made clear in Scripture in regards to sexuality.

Brad Grammer is director of an Exodus referral ministry in Indianapolis and a member of the OneByOne Speakers Bureau.

Brad Grammer

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